


Therapy's Expensive

by LEMONIEIJI



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M, Stand Up Comedy, but steven, imagine john mulaney, steven's a stand up comedian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-29
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:29:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,370
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23371714
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LEMONIEIJI/pseuds/LEMONIEIJI
Summary: It's been five years since Steven decided to go out on his own and have his own adventure. In the span of five years, Steven finds himself to be quite the comedian. Turns out that have trauma, and no other option since he has no level of education, causes for a great stand up routine. This is one of his routines.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran/Steven Universe
Comments: 41
Kudos: 222





	Therapy's Expensive

**Author's Note:**

> basically, i saw this post on tumblr that says that there should be a spin off where steven talks about all the sights he sees while traveling, and the way that op put it sounded exactly like john mulaney. so i was thinking, steven has no education, and knowing him he probably wouldnt want to get a GED or anything like that. so maybe he'll be a comedian. (im sad about steven universe ending so im coping with jokes. okay? okay)

“So I left my home town of Beach City when I was seventeen years old. You may whispering to yourself ‘isn’t seventeen too young to leave your home’ and I would simply respond ‘yes, yes it is.’”

**Steven has no clue how he got himself wrapped up in Stand up comedy.**

“But by the age of fourteen, I had figured out that my mom was a liar, changed her identity, her ultimate form being me, and had a lot of enemies after her. Her enemies, however, knew that I was her, and sought to kill me in vengeance of my mother because my mom ‘killed’ someone else who was really her. Then whenever I thought I solved one problem, the next one arised, seeking to kill me based on my mom’s actions.” A hush fell over the room. 

“A lot to take in isn’t it? IMAGINE HAVING ALL THIS SHIT HAPPEN TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE FOURTEEN YEARS OLD!!” Laughter falls over the room. “Normal fourteen year olds have to deal with puberty and girls, or boys or people, AND I HAD TO DEAL WITH SAVING THE WORLD BECAUSE MY MOM FUCKED UP! Anyone else with mommy issues? Mommy issues?” The crowd continues to laugh. Steven gets quiet. “ _Therapy is so expensive,_ ” he whisper-groans. The crowd laughs some more. 

**Steven thinks it has something to do with the fact that everytime he sat down to tell people his story, it was so fucked up that all he could do was laugh, which resulted in other people laughing. Steven’s messed up childhood plus his many adventures exploring the states gave Steven one hell of an act.**

“I lived with a bunch of lesbians.” The crowd laughs and one guy woos. “Don’t woo you fucking creep, you’re probably from Idaho or something”. The crowd laughs some more. “I’m sorry sir, that was very rude of me. I’m sure you’re a very nice...Idaho-ian.”

“I’m from Florida!” The man shouts. 

“That’s even worse!” The crowd laughs again, especially the lady in the front row. Calm down woman. 

“Anyways, I lived with a bunch of lesbians. Imagine Full House, except gayer and confusing-er. One of them was in love with my mom and so was my dad. So you can imagine the group dinners with all of us together.” Laughter. “All three of us called her mom...in different ways. _Woohoo therapy…_ ”

**Connie was the one who told him that he should try it out.**

**“I mean to level with you Steven, you don’t have an education. You’re street smart, but not really book smart, and you’re really funny. You’ve found an outlet for your experiences, and lucky for you this generation has a really effed up sense of humor. I think you should go for it. I’ll be in the front row of your act.” And she was in the front row of his act. Oh all his acts. Well, if she didn’t have an exam to study for.**

“One of the first places I visited when I was _becoming a man_ ,” his voice got deeper at that part, “was Florida.” Laughter. “Go ahead, laugh. It was horrible!” Laughter. “I have seen many, many things in my day. I’ve seen fusions of gems. I’ve seen space. I’ve see a gay gem wedding, it was very beautiful; I planned it myself.” Light chuckles. “However, there is not enough counseling to prepare you for the streets of Orlando, Florida. Disney is one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Orlando! Or-lan-do?!?” Laughter begins to fill the room. “Imagine if a child told you that they had to go to the bathroom, but instead of waiting to go to the bathroom, they take a massive dump on the sidewalk and on your shoe. Also, that child is, what appears to be, a 36 year old white man wearing a brown paper bag. _Only a brown- paper- BAG._ ” The lady in the front row cracks up again. “I appreciate you for laughing, nice red haired lady in the front row, because Florida traumatized me, and that’s saying a lot. PEOPLE TRIED TO MURDER ME, and yet FLORIDA TRAUMATIZED ME!” 

Steven can hear people gasping for air. 

“ _Therapy is so expensive_ ,” Steven whisper-groans again causing people to laugh even more.

**Pearl wasn’t too on board of Steven’s career at first.**

**“Steven, you have enough money to at least try community college.” But, Pearl eased up to it eventually. Actually, all of the previously named Crystal Gems, Connie, and Greg were in the front row for Steven’s hour long special hosted in New York. Steven doesn’t want to brag, but he’s gotten quite popular doing stand up. They call him “a John-Mulaney-Type-Boy” and Steven’s not sure whether or not he should take it as a compliment. He does anyway.**

“I never had an education, so I have no idea what school is like. Especially those little cliques with the popular kids and stuff, yeah that’s gross. However, I did run into a group of high schoolers once when I was getting a bagel right here in New York city.” A few people chuckled. “They were staring at me. I said ‘hello’. They said “you ain’t sound like you from here, and you smell weird.” Steven put his hand over his heart dramatically as people laughed around him. “My deodorant said I smelled like island breeze and _Jamaica_.” Light laughter again. “I’ve never been to Jamaica, but I thought that I was okay. I took a whiff of myself...turns out I did ‘smell weird’ because I was not wearing deodorant. Those kids still hurt my feelings though.”

**Steven tries to visit Beach City every now and then. He tries for once every 3 months or sooner than that. Usually he goes to Beach City whenever Connie goes to Beach City. Steven tells Connie it’s to “save the planet”, but it’s really just to be with her, and Connie knows that.**

“Has anyone ever had a near death experience?” Some people raise their hands. “You person-who’s-pronouns-I-don’t-want-to-assume, what happened to you?”

“I slipped on water and fell.”

“Hmm person that’s a little pathetic, but I’m glad you’re okay.”

“You m’am?” She nods her head. “Phew, good. What happened to you?”

“I got hit by a bus.”

“A bus?!? Fucking diamond, are you okay?! Well you’re here, so I’m glad you’re okay. Geez.” Laughter. “Anyone grow old really fast? Meaning your body turned into the oldest version of you to the point that you almost died?” The crowd grows silent. “No just me? Ahaha, _woo therapy!!_ ” The crowd laughs. 

**Steven’s not sure how long he’s going to do stand up comedy, but it’s nice to finally have an outlet. Steven decided to settle down right next to Connie, not because of Connie though...okay partially because of Connie, but also because of the area. It was urban, but it wasn’t quite busy. The apartments near Connie’s university were near Steven’s budget, so Steven moved in. Eventually, Connie did too. The Crystal Gems visit sometimes. Peridot visits everyday. Every. Single. Day. Steven travels from city to city a lot, but he can finally say that he isn’t confused. He knows who he is, who he wants to be, and who he wants to be with. One day, he’ll re-propose to Connie, but that won’t be until Steven knows she’s ready.**

“I mean I’ve been through hell and back. It’s been 5 years since I left my home, and it was hard. I mean, when you spend your entire childhood somewhere it must be hard to leave, but I left there with bad memories. I needed a chance to figure myself out, and I have. I’m glad that I found comedy, and that you all came out to support me. No, really I appreciate it. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart. Now before I walk off stage, I’ll give you some advice that my friend Onion once told me.” Steven waits a moment, as if he’s going to give a dramatic piece of advice, but he simply just stands in silence for a moment, nods his head and raises his hand into the air. Silence: perfect comedy. “Good night!”

**Author's Note:**

> i bash on florida bc im from florida  
> tumblr: mardileen  
> comment and tell me if you liked it? or if you didnt.


End file.
